head versus heart

“I’m moving,” I say.
But I can’t move. The rabbit says, “Tonight we will meet our
death, but it will be beautiful and we will be brave and not
afraid. You will sing to me and I will close my eyes and dream
of a garden where we will play under the starlight, and that’s
where the story ends. with me munching a radish and you laughing.”
I can’t move,” I said.
-james tate

full poem here

like the very first time

from amadahh’s brog

i think i like it better when things happen in my head instead of real life. it makes me feel in control and safe and the outcomes of various circumstances are dependent on the extent of my imagination and not on people, so i don’t get disappointed. also, i can carefully tweak my own personality and appearance, much like the colour/contrast button on a television set to project the most flattering image of myself. i will have tinkling laughter and flawless skin and skinny calves. i will read and integrate tolstoy quotes (and not just the first line from anna karenina because everybody already knows that one) into everyday conversations. i will drink fluids regularly. funny how it works, really. when things leap out of my mind and into reality i am at an absolute loss. what do i do now? even when i squeeze my eyes shut, really really tight, the problems are still there. stark and intrusive. this is nothing a few well chosen words can dismiss. and after a while whatever it is, you stop noticing it. not acceptance, not entirely, but maybe something very close to that. i don’t know what that is though.

you can concentrate on the ones you love

If they follow you
Don’t look back
Like Dylan in the movies
On your own
If they follow you
Tenderly you turn the light out in your room

couleurs

IT IS VERY TIRING TO HAVE TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT ALL THESE DIFFERENT THINGS
AND NO, PREOCCUPATION IS NOT THE SAME AS CONCERN. IT’S THE PART WHERE YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO GIVE A SHIT THAT GETS ME EVERY TIME

you’re gonna love my nuts

“you can have an exciting life now”
I WANT ONE!!!!!!!!!

so uh

i hate the entire universe

ghost world

but change in rows

this week has been unexpected to say the least and i am still undecided as to whether it’s in a good or bad way. i don’t exactly know what i am doing right now and most of the time all i want to do is just sit very very still and not move and not have to think about impending Scary Things that seem to be on everyone’s lips these few days. I don’t mind the world going on without me, i really don’t. i think i might prefer it.

the one thing that has become apparent to me however, is how lucky i am to count some of the most amazing people in the world as my friends. i don’t have to say it, you guys know who you are. <3 friends who talk me through matters and overenthusiastic friends and friends who can be happy for me even if it's just the littlest things… i appreciate all of you so very very much (:

so SATs were yesterday and i was trapped in a room for 4 hours answering what seemed like a bajillion of the most inane and useless questions ever. left the room with my head spinning and feeling very faint. but i did manage to catch New York I Love You after that which was such a good movie. honestly. i spent the entire movie gasping for air because everything was so sweet and beautiful and it makes you want to LEAP AT EVERYTHING and EMBRACE THE WORLD which unfortunately i am too cowardly to do.. don't you just hate it when you leave a cinema after the movie with your mind buzzing with lovely images and thoughts that are brimming with possibilities but then before long reality sets in and you realise it's all over and it wasn't real. he didn't really love her, he only said those words because he memorized them the night before and there is a camera pointing at them and perhaps half a dozen other insignificant people watching them avidly, giving them cues. it kills me. and that's the worst part about movies because you catch a glimpse of such a magnificent world and you know that your own life will never turn out like that.

we have a lot of homework for this weekend but i've been reading Watchmen the whole day. i don't want Monday to come because everything will start moving very fast again.

honey with you and a little powered radio

this week has been pretty decent to me so far, yesterday i watched the golden globes and deplored at the injustice of neil patrick harris not winning for best supporting actor (btw mel told me he’s guest judging for american idol! can’t wait) and today i went to study with claud and mel at burger shack. drew came and performed card tricks and i had two cokes and became a little bit crazy and invented ‘british-sounding’ names for everyone.
all these little pockets of happiness will soon be crumbling around my feet, however, because we have our very first mass PE of the year tomorrow. you have no idea how much i am dreading this, mel had it today and she said it was hell so you can only imagine how much worse it would be for me. i mean, i get tired out from climbing one flight of stairs. my weak lungs and non existent muscles are already screaming in protest i can feel it.

claud: please call me when PE is over because quite frankly i am afraid that you might not survive.

ahem thanks for the vote of confidence friends.

i’ve been switching between listening to the new vampire weekend album and the discovery LP album for a few weeks now, they complement each other so perfectly and it makes me feel very happy like the sun is shining and there’s sand between my toes, let’s hope it helps me get through the rest of the week.

so get your leather on

(photos from nat!)

‘Do you like music?’ She asked me.
‘I do if it’s nice music in a nice world,’ I said.
‘In a nice world there is no nice music,’ she said, as if revealing some deep secret. ‘In a nice world the air doesn’t vibrate.’

setlist:
Runaway
Phenomena
Black Tongue
Pin
Dull Life
Gold Lion
Zero
Miles Away
Skeletons
Hysteric
Cheated Hearts
Heads Will Roll
Y Control

encore:
Maps (Acoustic)
Turn Into
Date With The Night

<3